Glossary of North-American Seventh-day Adventists

Compiled by Max Gordon Phillips, posted with permission

ADDVENTISTS Add Egwhite rules and regs to denom life. Example: After church you may take a Sabbath day's journey to a lake, river, or ocean and wade -- but not swim

BADVENTISTS Eat burgers, clam chowder seasoned with black pepper, hot dogs with yellow mustard; wear rings (ear, eyebrow, finger, nipple, nose, toe, or tongue), necklaces, bracelets, makeup; drink coffee, tea, cola, white wine; play checkers, chess and real cards instead of Rook; ride bicycles; dance line-, square-, contra-, or ballroom; attend opera, movies, rock concerts, live stage theater; you name it

CADVENTISTS Believe, preach and teach, but don't live Adventism

CLADVENTISTS Have "put on the whole armour of" Egwhite (see Eph. 6:11)

COCOADVENTISTS Think chocolate's less sinful than coffee since it boasts less caffein

COMRADVENTISTS Aging Pathfinders who date back to the "good old" days before the Soviet Socialist revolution created the C-word

CURADVENTISTS Put band-aids on cancers

CYCADVENTISTS Have retired to Palm Springs

DADVENTISTS Full of "headship theology" and patriarchy, they raise Ladventists

DYADVENTISTS Marrieds who've managed to remain so for forty years or more

EGADVENTISTS Use "Guy!" "tinkled-off," "scared witless," "Bullspit!" and other euphemisms

FADVENTISTS Frequently switch from one health (hell?) food -- such as Phony Baloney or Mock Turkey -- to another. Have switched from allegiance from Morrie Venden (the SDA Martin Luther) to Doug Batchelor (of "Amazing Fictions!" fame). Carry the NIV instead of the KJV. Attend celebration church where they engage in Psalm 150:4 dancing . . . .

GADVENTISTS As part of the Advent Movement, they scuttle about among various local congregations

GLADVENTISTS Masochists. They actually enjoy the lifelong pain of carrying the heavy load from which they refuse to let Jesus Christ free them.

GRADVENTISTS SDA Church alumni. Having learned the Clear Word Bible is 100% Egwhite, they have well earned the RA degree

GRRRADVENTISTS Hadventists, Jihadventists, Kickadventists, Madventists, Schmadventists, Vladventists, and whatnot. Unusually vocal, they put the VENT in AdVENTism

HADVENTISTS Have had it with Adventism. Many hold the RA (Recovering Adventist) degree.

JIHADVENTISTS "Holy warriors" who want Jesus to come soon and destroy all their enemies

KICKADVENTISTS A type of Grrradventist, they are Adventists who kick everyone from other Adventists to non-Adventists -- in short, anybody within leg-reach

LADVENTISTS FDAs (Future Dadventists of America)

MADVENTISTS Envy Badventists

MCADVENTISTS Plaidventists

MECCADVENTISTS PIs (Pilgrim Immigrants) to Loma Linda, Silver Spring, College Place, Berrien Springs, St. Helena, Collegedale, La Sierra, and the like

MICADVENTISTS Wear cheap jewelry thinking if it's not as expensive as the real thing it's not as wrong

MOCHADVENTSTS Believe caffeine at Starbuck's is less sinful than caffeine at home

NASDADVENTISTS National Association of SDA Dentists (NASDAD-VENTISTS), all-SDA dentists who meet after the annual ADA (American Dental Association) meeting for a prayer breakfast and a dentistry-update class permitting the entire trip to be written off their taxable incomes

PACKADVENTISTS Fill convention centers to hear Doug Batchelor tell his cave conversion story

PADVENTISTS Committed to Sabbath-afternoon "lay activities"

PAPADVENTISTS Politically push for the SDA "First Minister" (GC Pres) to come out of the closet and admit that he's really the first Pope of the coming SDA Papacy

PLAIDVENTISTS McAdventists

RADVENTISTS Liberal Adventists, often confused with Badventists

ROCCADVENTISTS Ignore Egwhite's sugar counsel

SADVENTISTS Non-Gladventists

SCADVENTISTS As HA's (Historical / Hysterical Adventists), they burden themselves down with Egwhite "scads of adds" (see Addventists)

SCHMADVENTISTS Fed-up formers or jumpy marginals who label as "Adventist Schmadventist!" anything even remotely connected with Adventism

TADVENTISTS Dabble or toy with Adventism

TOSCADVENTISTS Hold season tickets to the opera

TRIADVENTISTS Such as Ben Trying of Battle Creek, Michigan, they're still hoping to stand perfect and sinless before God on the merit of their own good works and utterly without Christ

VLADVENTISTS As in Vlad the Impaler, Egwhite vampires who suck the lifeblood out of all other Adventists